Beautiful Family

Beautiful Family

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Where do I fit in?!?

Okay so this post is going to get extremely personal and emotional so just giving you a warning at the begining.

Often times I have found myself wondering: Where do I fit in?

Obviously most of you know that I am a twin and most of my life (more child through young adult) it seemed like a competition for me. I wasn't really accepted as my own person because to those around me I wasn't "good enough" I don't use this term loosly as I was made to feel this way.
I tried to find friends that could accept me that I was good enough for but as we all have gone through this in school it is very hard. You can be friends with someone in a class but when they are around other people in their own click they acted as if they didn't know who you were. I had friends here and there and would hang out with a group of people but who do I really have to call a friend? I mean in my opinion a friend is someone who wants to hangout with you. Who even though life has gone in different directions for all of us would still attempt to have some form of contact/friendship right? I mean call me crazy but I did my damnest to go to friends weddings and baby showers and any other events that I was aware of and hoped that I would get that in return but at the same time I always wanted more. I would like to hangout and tried many attempts to make this happen. I planned game nights inviting spouses, children, boyfriends, girlfriends. I didn't care i'm not predjudice. But over and over again I was let down by those I once considered my friends. Don't get me wrong I do have a few friends that I do get to see every once in a while but I feel like I'm not as close to those friends as I want to be and as my past haunts me I have a hard time letting people in. I don't need other's to know my flaws, my weaknesses and use them against me.
Taking me into my other subject Family. I understand that my family was a split family from the time I was 5. I understand that being one of the youngest and a twin was also a hard task. But why is it that I am the one made to feel like I was somehow a Mistake? I don't want to go into the depths of the memories and he said she said situations but I know that I would never/ Could never make my child feel as if they were not good enough or not important enough. I have a really hard time to this day talking to my family (mainly parents) about how they have affected my life and hurt me. I don't want my sister to feel like any of this is her fault so I want to clearly state. THIS IS NOT ANY OF YOUR FAULT. Just want to in my own way try to come to an understanding of how I am suppose to cope with the feelings I keep inside.
So back to the friends thing again. I want to have that relationship (with a female since husbands are wonderful but sometimes we just need a woman to talk to) that I know they will have my back, they will know exactly what to say or do to cheer me up. They will want me to know their family as their own. They will want to have me come to family events such as birthday parties, baptisms, blessings, weddings, etc, or even just a game night. But I seem to not know how to accomplish this task or even to be able to keep a hold of friends so if anyone out there has any advice or feels the way that I do. Please let me know.

Another time,
Tiffany Rathgeber


  1. I'm sorry you feel this way and honestly I feel the exact same way. We have tried to make it to all the events you plan and we hope you know that we see you as a true friend. We are really bad about planning things at our house (and honestly we don't have but 3-4 friends most who wouldn't show up) but we need to get better at doing more things at our house. I am always here if you need to talk and I love your kids like they are my own. You are the only one that had really been here for us and that has put in an effort and we really appreciate all you have done. I hope you know we are here and always will be.

    1. Shantel,
      I'm glad to know that i'm not the only one that feels this way. I've always appreciated you guys showing up to most everything that I planned. I do consider you one of my best friends and am so grateful to have you and your family in our lives. I also love your kids like they are my own and hope to see them and their hobbies and grow up. I am also always here for you and your family.

  2. Tiffy! I'm so sorry you feel that way! I love you as a sister! And, I know I don't see you often, and I know that's mostly my fault, but I really do love having you as a friend. You have helped me through some really tough times! I think it's hard when your friends' are all married and have families of their own because schedules get crazy. I usually try to come to your events (showers, game nights, birthday parties), but a lot of times, things come up. :( I really appreciate you supporting my family in the same way though- you are such a sweetheart and I enjoy spending time with you! I just wish we lived closer. I also agree with everything in the comment above too- I don't do much here and I don't have many friends that I invite over often. But, you & Manda are ones that I ALWAYS think of for birthday parties, etc, even if its mostly just family here. I just wanted to say that I love you, for exactly who you are, and you should never change. Thank you for being such a good friend to me even if I am lacking sometimes.

    1. Chrissy,
      I'm so thankful to hear you say those things. I don't think of anything as being your fault. I know things come up and it really didn't have anything to do with Jayme's party. I always know you are there for me and I am and will also always be here for you.

  3. I Love You Girl! ~oHUGSo~

    I understand what you're saying.. I went through that during school too.. I tried so hard to fit it.. was bullied by some who I thought were my friends.. eventually I thought I found true friends.. yet they only lead me into trouble & bad things happened to me..
    The family thing.. I don't have a split family (well they kinda are now) but with the age difference it was hard.. yet now it's even harder.

    Anyways, I may not be the best sister But I do Love & care about you & Jayme. I am so happy that you've found a Good Man that Loves you & Jayme for who you 2are & Happy you got your little girl cuz little girl's are fun (not saying boys aren't but dressing a boy up in a dress painting their nails or doing their hair will get you weird looks I'm just glad Anthony will only remember being dressed up like a girl if he looked at the pictures)
    Again I Love You & I'm so happy for your family of 4 Love you all & remember I will be here for you the best way I can (I don't really have a life so pretty much I'm always here lol)