Okay so this post is going to get extremely personal and emotional so just giving you a warning at the begining.
Often times I have found myself wondering: Where do I fit in?
Obviously most of you know that I am a twin and most of my life (more child through young adult) it seemed like a competition for me. I wasn't really accepted as my own person because to those around me I wasn't "good enough" I don't use this term loosly as I was made to feel this way.
I tried to find friends that could accept me that I was good enough for but as we all have gone through this in school it is very hard. You can be friends with someone in a class but when they are around other people in their own click they acted as if they didn't know who you were. I had friends here and there and would hang out with a group of people but who do I really have to call a friend? I mean in my opinion a friend is someone who wants to hangout with you. Who even though life has gone in different directions for all of us would still attempt to have some form of contact/friendship right? I mean call me crazy but I did my damnest to go to friends weddings and baby showers and any other events that I was aware of and hoped that I would get that in return but at the same time I always wanted more. I would like to hangout and tried many attempts to make this happen. I planned game nights inviting spouses, children, boyfriends, girlfriends. I didn't care i'm not predjudice. But over and over again I was let down by those I once considered my friends. Don't get me wrong I do have a few friends that I do get to see every once in a while but I feel like I'm not as close to those friends as I want to be and as my past haunts me I have a hard time letting people in. I don't need other's to know my flaws, my weaknesses and use them against me.
Taking me into my other subject Family. I understand that my family was a split family from the time I was 5. I understand that being one of the youngest and a twin was also a hard task. But why is it that I am the one made to feel like I was somehow a Mistake? I don't want to go into the depths of the memories and he said she said situations but I know that I would never/ Could never make my child feel as if they were not good enough or not important enough. I have a really hard time to this day talking to my family (mainly parents) about how they have affected my life and hurt me. I don't want my sister to feel like any of this is her fault so I want to clearly state. THIS IS NOT ANY OF YOUR FAULT. Just want to in my own way try to come to an understanding of how I am suppose to cope with the feelings I keep inside.
So back to the friends thing again. I want to have that relationship (with a female since husbands are wonderful but sometimes we just need a woman to talk to) that I know they will have my back, they will know exactly what to say or do to cheer me up. They will want me to know their family as their own. They will want to have me come to family events such as birthday parties, baptisms, blessings, weddings, etc, or even just a game night. But I seem to not know how to accomplish this task or even to be able to keep a hold of friends so if anyone out there has any advice or feels the way that I do. Please let me know.
3 years ago